thursday jokes

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Will Young, Robbie and Kylie went for a night on the town. As they left the nightclub, Kylie slipped and got her head stuck between the railings of the fence opposite the club. Robbie decided to take full advantage of this and lifted up her little skirt, pushed her thong to one side and gave her a good seeing to.

"Its your turn now, Will" grinned Robbie but Will started crying. Robbie asked "Why are you crying, Will? What's wrong?

"Will sobbed "My head won't fit between the railings!"

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Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey was well ahead of the field. Suddenly he was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.

He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence.

With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when,on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding.

Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second. He immediately went to the stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered.

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The Queen and Princess Anne are out for a drive in one of the Queen's Range Rovers. Suddenly some armed robbers leap out of the bushes and stop the car. "Give us the money", they shout at the Queen. "But I'm the Queen of England, I have no need for money." "Oh, shit", says the leader of the armed band, and turns to Anne. "Give us yer jewels." "But I don't wear my jewels all the time, only on state occasions." The armed robbers look fed up, when suddenly they hear the sound of wailing sirens approaching. "Quick, out of the car! We'll have the Range Rover at least," and with that the robbers drive off.
As the Queen and Anne are waiting for the Police to get there, Anne turns to the Queen, "What did you do with all the cash you had? You're always loaded." "Ah," says the Queen, "I saw the robbers and in the few seconds before they got to the car I rolled up my notes and tucked them into that little place that only women have." Reaching under her skirt, she produces several thousand pounds in notes. "And what did you do with your jewels? You always wear lots of jewellery, my dear." The Queen says to Anne.
"Well, like you, in those few seconds before the robbers got to the car, I slipped off my rings, necklaces and tiara, and like you, slipped them into that little place that only women have." Reaching down she plucks out her jewellery. They both sit quietly for a few minutes, before the Queen turns to Anne... "You know, if Fergie had been with us, we could still have the Range Rover."

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By the time Willard pulled into a little town every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere, "he pleaded. "Or just a bed - I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired travellers assured him.
"I’ll take it." The next morning Willard came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Willard.
"How’d you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Willard explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

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A man is rushing to work one day when he is knocked down by a car. When he comes round in the hospital, his wife is sitting next to the bed. He turns to her and says, "When I was unpopular at school, you took the time to get to know me and we started dating. When I failed my degree at university, you were there beside me. When I couldn't get a job through failing my degree, you were there beside me. When I did get a job, the same job I have been doing for 15 years without a pay rise, you were there beside me. I get run over, wake up in the hospital and you are there beside me. I have something I really need to say to you..." Choking back tears, the man's wifemoves to sit on the bed. She gently picks up her husband's hand in hers, "Yes my darling?" she says, "FUCK OFF YOU WITCH! YOU BRING ME BAD LUCK!"

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A man goes to see the doctor about a truly wretched gas problem he has. "Doctor," he says nervously, "I have this weird ailment in which I fart every few minutes and they sound like bloody thunderclaps! They don't seem to smell at all, but it's really embarrassing when I've got company." Right on cue, the afflicted man emits a horrifyingly loud anal detonation, which almost blows him off his seat.
"Well," the doctor says, "I'll prescribe some pills for you. Take them every two hours and see me at the end of the week, if you will."
One week passes and the guy storms back into the office.
"You bastard!" he screams, "Not only am I still passing gas, now they smell as if something crawled up my arse and died!"
The doctor smiles. "Excellent. Now that you've got your sense of smell back, let's work on the gas problem!"