jokesby jon hobbs. Last updated 2002-10-30Click here to start a message board topic related to this article. A couple of fox hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: âMy friend is dead! What can I do?â The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: âJust take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.â There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: âOK, now what?"
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An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote:
âWoof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.â
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: âThere are only nine words here. You could send another âWoofâ for the same price.â
âBut,â the dog replied, âthat would make no sense at all.â
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: âThat's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!â The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: âThe driver just insulted me!â The man says: âYou go right up there and tell him off â go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.â
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A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'.
'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient.
The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'.
'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be worse?'
The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'.
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You're a high priced lawyer! If I give you 500 dollars, will you answer two questions for me?
Absolutely! what's the second question.
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A Guy phones a Hospital and yells: "You've gotta help! My wife's in labour!"
The nurse says: "Calm down. Is this her first child?"
He replies: "No! This is her husband!"
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Please note that the HSBC Bank is installing new "drive thru" cashpoint machines, customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving there vehicles. To enable users to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.
Please read the procedure that refers to your own circumstances (Male or Female) and remember them for when you use the machine for the 1st time.
MALE PROCEDURE.
1) Drive up to cash machine.
2) Wind down your car window.
3) Insert card into machine and enter pin.
4) Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5) Wind up window.
6) Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE.
1) Drive up to cash machine.
2) Reverse back the required amount to align car window to cash machine.
3) Restart the stalled engine.
4) Wind down the window.
5) Find handbag,remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
6) Turn the radio down.
7) Attempt to insert card into cash machine.
8) Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to excessive distance from the car.
9) Insert card.
10) Re-insert card the right way up.
11) Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
12) Enter PIN
13) Press cancel and re-enter PIN
14) Enter amount of cash required.
15) Check make up in rear view mirror.
16) Retrieve cash and receipt.
17) Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
18) Place receipt in back of cheque book.
19) Recheck make up again.
20) Drive forward 2 meters.
21) Reverse back to cash machine.
22) Retrieve card
23) Re-empty handbag,locate card holder and place card into slot provided.
24) Restart stalled engine and proceed.
25) Drive for 2-3 miles.
26) Release handbrake.
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