Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.
"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp pub in County Sligo. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Paddy, after a momentâs calculation, "there is myself, my cousin John, my next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra!", said Paddy. "Iâll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphyâs farm tractor."
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, Iâve increased my army to 1.5 million since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "Iâll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! Weâve modified Harriganâs ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock pub have joined us as well!"
Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, Iâve increased my army to 2,000,000 men.
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "Iâll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top oâ the morninâ, Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"Iâm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy, "weâve all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and thereâs no way we can feed two million prisoners."
