random jokes

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A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "DAMN! That's the ugliest fuckin' baby I've EVER seen!" In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops and started getting really worked up.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me!" she fumed. The man sympathised and said, "Hey! He's a public servant and he shouldn't say things to insult the passengers." "You're right!" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey!"

Three women go to see a doctor. The first woman is asked to undress and the doctor notices an o-shaped mark on her chest. "What's this?" he asks. She replies "My boyfriend went to Oxford and whenever we make love he wears his old university top".
The second woman comes in, is asked to undress and the doctor notices a c-shaped mark. "What's this?" he asks. She replies "My boyfriend went to Cambridge and whenever we make love he wears his old university shirt".
The third woman comes in, undresses and the doctor sees an m-shaped mark and says: "Don't tell me, your boyfriend went to Manchester." She replies: "No, my girlfriend goes to Warwick."

Q: Why do Blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.

"There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there.
We've got dogs with us." The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead. They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.
A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed." The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?" He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good." The guy at the door says, "Come on in."
The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?" The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"

An English man, Irishman and Scotsman are on the SAS selection course. They have nearly finished, and having done the Fan Dance, resistance to interrogation and arduous runs, the final part is an interview with the commanding officer. The Englishman is first, he walks into the office and the CO says "You realise as a member of the SAS, you'll be expected to carry out any order regardless of personal feeling?" "Yes sir" he replies. "Good, here is a gun, and your wife is next door I'd like you to go in and kill her!". "What??!! I'm sorry sir, I can't do that said the Englishman". " Well I'm afraid you'll have to leave then". So the Englishman hands in his kit and fails the course. Next in is the Scotsman, who is faced by the same question, and similarly cannot bring himself to do the deed, and consequently he also fails the course. Finally, the Irishman enters the office faced with the same ultimatum, and he readily picks up the gun and heads next door. Suddenly there is lots of noise, screaming and bangs. The CO jumps up from his desk as the Irishman enters the room covered in scratches,, with his clothes ripped. "What the hell happened??!" bellowed the CO. So the Irishman replied "Some fool put blanks in the gun, so I had to strangle her!!!!"