1. A new FIFA directive.
2. An unlikely hero, "Remember Toto Schillaci".
3. Eastern European manager with ill-fitting hair piece.
4. Crap free-kicks blamed on new type of ball.
5. Twat with a drum.
6. Obscure political prisoner on a goalscorer's vest.
7. "That's why Alex Ferguson paid £27 million for him".
8. The word 'saki' replacing 'sack' in wacky tabloid headlines.
9. A politically sensitive tie that fails to live up to bloodthirsty expectations.
10. Zamorano-style national anthem singing.
11. Somersault.
12. An 'hilarious' Alistair McGowan special.
13. Italians smoking on the bench.
14. Local news footage of over-acting balloons screaming 'Come on England' at a big screen.
15. A whole side getting the same wacky haircut.
16. Alan Hansen glassy eyed and slurring.
17. "The Africans are great athletes but tactically naive".
18. The influx of foreigner players into the Premiership being blamed for England's poor performances.
19. A close up of some silly cow in a bikini during a Brazil match.
20. Getting Senegal in the sweep.
21. The first 'exclusive pull-out complete with World Cup wallchart' in your paper.
22. Ridiculous bets advertised outside the bookies. 'England 4 Nigeria 2 -
Keown first goal. 66-1'.
23. "The shirts are made from a specially designed fabric to cope with the
humidity". Probably developed by NASA.
24. Diving described as 'over-emphasis'.
25. Radio 1 running an interminable competition to win tickets to the final
26. Jokes about the Koreans' saucy names. Fuk Bum Fat, Suk Kum Wee, etc, etc.
27. Made up statistics about man hours lost to industry due to the games.
How can they possibly know?
28. "I'm sick of the World Cup already".
29. A young Brazilian sub who you will never hear of again, valued at 30 trillion pounds.
30. Loveable Irish people going on and on about the 'craic'. Because there's
something original and uniquely celtic about getting pissed.
31. Slo-mo footage of Marco Tardelli's bulging veined celebrations circa
1982.
32. A positive test for Nandrolone blamed on a herbal cold remedy.
33. Rio Ferdinand compared to Bobby Moore.
34. "The linesman's not Russian is he?" Ho, ho.
35. A player with a big cast on his wrist.
36. Best Goal of the World Cup competition. Maradona and Carlos Alberto, the
Bohemian Rhapsody and Imagine of such tiresome contests.
37. Ridiculous build up to a Roberto Carlos free-kick that goes out for a
throw in.
38. "Didn't a certain Dutchman once do a turn just like that?"
39. An interview with the head of security for the tournament. "In the wake
of September the 11th…"
40. "The infamous dentist's chair".
41. A shot of the England players sat by a pool.
42. Nude models with football kits painted on.
43. John 3:16
44. A player who stunk the Premiership out looking like a superstar.
45. "That wouldn't have happened if Steven Gerrard had been playing".
46. Garth Crooks eating sushi.
47. "If the keeper stays still he saves that".
48. A reported record surge on the national grid during half time of an England game, beating the previous record set during End of Part 1 of the Thorn Birds.
49. An e-mail doing the rounds full of little known World Cup facts.
50. "And the locals would gather outside the hotel making noise to keep us awake all night".